When it is there, it is either you love it or hate it, but when you lose it, you miss it.
You have been used to staying up the late nights. You have been used to digging into yourself and mining the gold out of your soul. You are used to making something so precious after you almost suffocate yourself down to the deepest part of you. You dive in and destroy yourself by mining the goods. The precious words that speak not just for yourself, but for everyone you know who can be fighting the same war. The war that is for everyone, but only the brave survives and only the special ones make peace with it, to which you are one. You destroy yourself because you know how to fix it. You are in a cycle within yourself.
You miss the feeling because you miss a part of yourself. You miss it because it has made you grow brave enough to face it. You dive in even if you’re not sure if you can make something out of it or break yourself for nothing. You self-destruct but not sure if you’ll make a great explosion. You think that you are not making the most of you because you’ve learned to make something good out of something so bad in you. You are not used for yourself being happy, so when you are, you feel like you are losing not just a part of yourself, but your whole you. Without your thoughts, you feel worthless.
Being happy makes a part of you sad, because it makes you feel that you are letting a big part of yourself go. You are used to being lonely, so you do not now how to embrace happiness when it tries to come in. Loneliness have been a big part of your life, you feel like it gives you a sense to live. It makes you live for others who are not strong enough like you.
You do not need to let go, you just got to learn how to embrace the happiness that’s knocking in and pray that you can make something as beautiful as what you can do from your loneliness. You invest in your feelings so you’re wondering if you’ll learn how to make something of the unusual feeling.
Happiness is indeed a choice, but not for those who have learned how to make beautiful things happen from the dark like you. For them, happiness is like a strong wind that passes through. You can feel it, but when it leaves, it only leaves a happy memory and good experiences .
And if it does, it is another thing for them to explore and for them to create something more.